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For Jolis

Joke.

Hi
I got this in my email and it really makes me laugh.
This elderly man and elderly spinster met late in life and really liked each other . After a couple of dates they ended up in bed one night. In the morning the man was lying there thinking, 'If I'd known she was still a virgin I would have been a bit more gentle.'
The lady was thinking' If I'd have known he could still do it I'd have taken my tights off.

Whats happened to summer

Well, have been off on holiday for the last two weeksI went to Torquay and have to say the weather was fine so were really lucky.  On the home front the weather seems to have turned into autumn whilst I wasn't watching. We all seem to be getting into the xmas design spirit, seems to get earlier every year, with this in mind I have designed some xmas crackers that can be used for tags, labels, toppers or table placement cards.  I have jsut uploaded these to craftsuprint so will no doubt be available tomorrow.

Christmas Cracker

I wonder why we associate robins with Christmas, I was doing some weeding just the other day and a little robin joined in, he was so close I could have picked him up, then he was pecking off my shoe. he was really cheeky.

Anyway here's a christmas cracker cup no.245298, bright and cheerful.

Poem

Instead of a picture I thiught i'd give you a poem. I wrote this a few years ago when I was trying to learn about this new fangled contraption called a computer.
There's a monster that's come to stay at our house, It can't be all bad as it's brought it's pet mouse,
also a disk with words that i've never heard of,that I'm sure would frighten the worlds greatest nerds off.
It sits on my desk looking at me, with it's one black eye that lights occasionally.
I've made friends with it's mouse, which I stroke with my hand, but it speaks in a language I don't understand.
I never know what it's going to demand next,as it just sounds to me a near gibberish text.
It tells me to 'download' whatever that may mean, don't want to look stupid so I just stare at it's screen.
I'm told it's a genius at communication, but it says I've performed an illegal operation.
Windows you can't see through,bytes without teeth,rams that are'nt goats, it's beyond my belief.
Giga bytes, mega bytes,the net for a chat,I've heard of a 'floppy' ooops, I don't think it's that.
I've heard that this monster will do every task, I've tried all the buttons, it won't do as I ask.
What am I to do, it's not good for my health, my blood pressure's up, I can't think for myself.
It's driving me crazy. I know i'm no mug,I'll just shut it down and pull out it's plug.
Sheila. M.
I still feel the same about it.

Senior moment

One of my senior moments,I forgot to give the number of the last card, Missing you at Christmas c.u.p.no.243128_688.
Now here's another joke.
An elderly couple were watching t.v. and the husband as usual had the remote, and kept switching between a fishing programme, and a porn channel. After a while the wife was fed up and said" For goodness sake leave it on the porn channel, you know how to fish."

Christmas arrangements

That was a really nice curry my husband made last night, I don't want anything to eat today. It was a family get together for some of the family, it's got too big now to get them all round the table.Maybe I should hire a hall, for Christmas, No on second thoughts I think I'll go away for Christmas.

Joke

One morning while lying in bed a man rolled over to his wife and pinched her bottom and each of her breasts and said" If you firmed up you could get rid of your bra and control pants,", really jarred off by this comment she grabbed his member and said" If you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman,the pool man, the gardener, and your brother"

A new Christmas card , just uploaded no.242885_688

How to build a car

This is just the card for all the men in your life who collect junk in the shed or garage .HOW TO BUILD A CAR FROM THE JUNK IN YOUR SHED.c.u.p.no.241610_688

Anniversary

Joke.... My wife was hinting on what she would like for our upcoming anniversary. She said, she'd like I something shiny that went from 0 to 150 in three seconds. So I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

I have just uploaded this anniversary card no.240880_688 craftsuprint.

Ants

Why is it every time I go out to do gardening I get bitten, it's ants, I'm sure they wait for me. I can hear them saying "ok boys lunch has arrived. I must look like some big fat sausage on legs or something. I put citronella on today round my ankles, so they have bitten my hand. Nasty little things.
JOKE  .....The toilets at the police station have been stolen. The police say they have nothing to go on.

Here's a get well card  no.239555_688

Long week

Its been a lon week this week as I was asked to make order of service cards for my boss, he only wanted 100, but what a nightmare as the card wouldn't print the way I wanted and have wasted so much card, I think its had an impact on the rain forest.  Its all a learning curve and I now know what ot to do next time!!  Anyway, only have a few more weeks at work before I am made redundant, so will have more time to craft, obviously in between job hunting.

So here my latest design for you on Craftsuprint

The Vicar and the drunk

Joke.    A vicar sat down next to a drunk on a park seat, the drunk was reading the newspaper, he was dirty, he had lipstick marks on his face, and smelt of booze. He turned to the vicar and said, "What causes arthritis?. The vicar said, " It's caused by bad living, drinking and getting drunk, and visiting prostitutes, and not having a bath." The drunk continued to look at his paper. The vicar feeling that he had gone too far in his condemnation said" How long have you had arthritis then" The drunk replied, " Oh I haven't got it, but it says here that the pope has it"Here's todays card no.238927_688

Barking Dog

A not so bright husband and his wife are lying in bed one night and the neighbour's dog keeps barking, after a while the husband says" To hell with this " and goes downstairs. Five minutes later he comes back, and his wife says " What did you do then"   The husband replies " I've put the dog in our garden let's see how they like it.

Today's card is suitable for most occasions. It's number is 237748_688 The Joy of Flowers

Roses Book mark kit

This is a pretty card that has a book mark attached. each time you use it you think of. the giver.cup no237107_688
Joke.Bloke to a girl. "Have you got a mirror in your knickers, cos I can see myself in them"
Not the best chat up line is it?

Golden days

Phew that was a hot day, not too many of those lately. Sun shining all day,beautiful sunset,friends for lunch, and I have eaten too much. Who cares,I',m happy.
Joke... two saggy boobs, one says to the other. " if we don't get some support soon people will think we are a pair of nuts"

Todays card no236455_688. Just uploaded on to craftsuprint.Available tomorrow.

Bright and cheerful

I thought I'd do something bright and cheerful today. This is great for lots of occasions, Get Well,Thank You,
Welcome Home, etc. Its c.u.p. no. is 235482_688
Did you know wine improves with age, the older you get the more you like it.

Anniversary

Just uploaded this pretty anniversary card.no 235230_688

three kings

A great design for Xmas especially for those that don't want the cute or snowy stuff

Religion

JOKE.   What did The Virgin Mary say when she saw the three wise men."Typical, you wait ages, and then three come along at once."
I've just uploaded yet another Christmas card on to Craftsuprint. No.234313_688

Free snowman

Well, looks like xmas designs are starting to appear with abundance and I understand cardmakers are already starting to get their xmas cards done ready for that xmas rush, so I thought you might like a snowman to use in your christmas designs.  Hope you like him, (just click on him to download)  if you would like more in different colours and in different positions have a look in my designer resources on craftsuprint.

Marriage

Joke....A woman put an advert in the newspaper 'Husband Wanted' the next day she had hundreds of replies from women that said 'Take Mine'

My latest card for c.u.p.no 233262_688    Cute aren't they!

Santa's Hat

3silly looking penguins with hats that don't fit, and Santa wondering who's nicked his hat.
c.u.p. card no,232806_688

I'll Diet Tomorrow

cup. no. 231612_688.

Read on to the next blog for a silly poem, about being 30years old.

Silly Poem

A friend of mine said she was depressed because she was approaching 30. What a laugh my 30th was so long ago it's lost in the mist of time. So I wrote this poem for her

Why be depressed at thirty, you're almost reaching your prime
So just grab life by the balls, go out and have a good time

In another ten years you'll be forty, you're wasting your time if you rue it
Life's just beginning at forty, don't think about doing it , Do It.

Fifty could be tricky if you let it get you down,
So get yourself some red paint and go and paint the town.

Sixty just gets better, you lose your inhibitions
Who cares what size your bum is, you've tried all the sex positions

At seventy, well now's the time, if you want to stay healthy and sane
Get yourself a Toy Boy and do it all again.

SHEILA. M.

Tonight's Joke

Harry is fiddling underneath the bonnet of his car.A tramp walks by and stops, and looks at him."Piston broke" explains Harry. "Ah yes" said the tramp. "So am I"
I managed to get today's card on, it's the next blog down. I don't know what happened the other night, it just wouldn't accept it.. Probably me swearing at it didn't help, I'm not very patient with computers when they get temperamental.. I wrote a poem about a computer once I'll try and find it for another day.

This is Ellie Fanta Claus

Just uploaded on craftsuprint, should be available tomorrow 16th. no.231346_688

Robins

Another Christmas card ,I thought it would be difficult to dream up Christmas cards in the middle of summer, but it's not a problem. Probably by Christmas I will be glad to do summer cards. It's like the fashion trade which I used to work in. We modelled summer clothes in winter with lots of goose pimples, and winter clothes in summer "Phew".
Joke......"Grandad" said the little boy,"Can you make a noise like a frog
Grandad....."Yes I suppose i could if i tried. Why do you ask?
Little Boy.....".Cos Granny said we could all go to Disney land when you croak"

Sorry it's been rejected twice, i don't know why, maybe me doing something wrong, I'll try again tomorrow. So No Christmas card.                                      ,

Cute and cuddly

Thought I would let you see my latest Xmas edition not sure what the CUP number is as I can't get on the site, I really like cute and fun, not really into traditional so hopefully you will like it and later this week as promised I will put on a free snowman clipart for you to use it your own designs etc.

Joke

An Essex girl is involved in a bad accident.A Paramadic rushes to her aid. "Whereabouts are you bleeding from" he asks.
"Well" said the girl, "Since you ask. Bleeding Romford.

Rose

I have just uploaded this sympathy card to cup no 230250_688 I wish I could say that I grew it.I bought it for a friend who has just lost a loved one,to grow in his garden. It's petals are just like velvet, this is a photo of it. Doesn't do it justice but you can still see how beautiful it is.It's name appropriately is LOVING MEMORY.

Doing Nothing

I've been a layabout this weekend.We stayed for a couple of days with friends in Herefordshire, lovely county.Did  nothing much had a wonderful meal on Saturday evening, the sweet was elderflower, and goosesberry with a delicious vanilla cream topping.Mmmmm. As I have produced no cards here's a bit of advice.     Remember there are seven deadly sins, one for each day, so have a good week

Hampton Court

Well, how many of you went to Hamton Court flower show?  I went to day, it was great although always leave by about lunch time as it starts to get rather full and I don't like all that being squashed thing, also you find it hard to see anything.  Anyway I think we were first through the gate so managed to get round before the rush, took some fab photos, one which I have extracted a really pretty floral arrangement and uploaded tonight on CUP as a png image for designers or any other crafter.  Its  cup229356_688

Snowman

Here's another Christmas card, silly in the middle of summer isn't it.

card no.228545_688 cup

A bit naughty

I saw this in my local magazine and thought it very funny and clever.

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker. it was just After Eight. they got off at Quality Street.    He asked her name,"Polo I'm the one with the hole" she said with a Wispa.   " I'm Marathon the one with the nuts" he replied.    He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.    He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.   Soon they were Heart Throbs.  It was a Fab moment when she screamed in Turkish Delight.   But three days later his Sherbet Dib Dab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts.

Snowmen

I know its early but for those of you that start the christmas thing early I have designed some snowmen as clipart and they should be available on craftsuprint today.  Next week I will add a free snowman here on this blog so don't forget to pop back

swans

I'm hoping it will let me upload todays card which is two beautiful swans gliding along together. i think it's so romantic that swans mate for life.

cup no.226971_688

today's joke

 What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot.
One is covered in matted hair and smells awful, the other has big feet.

(I'm glad my husband doesn't read this blog spot.)

The latest card to be uploaded on c.u.p. is no.226266_688
Sorry I've tried several times and it won't let me upload the card, so I will try again later.

Snowman

Didn't blog yesterday, I made some marmalade, pink grapefruit and lemon, mmmmm it's really good,it's so easy to make but a bit time consuming, but woth it for the end product. If anybody would like the recipe let me know.Much better than shop bought.

I also designed another Christmas, sorry about this in June and hot weather. It might cool you down.

Is there anybody there?

Hallooooooooooooo is anybody out there? I thought when you blogged that people put comments on your blogs. I know I'm new to this but where is everybody?
Joke.  Husbands are like fires, they go out if unattended.

Ive just uploaded this card. cup.no.225045_688

Another hot day

Well all I can say is if Sheila didn't do much yesterday cause of the heat, that was 100 % more than I did, although did go for a walk arounf Nymans gardens which is a lovely place for those of you that like gardening and flowers, or just nice paces to walk.  They have a nice tearoom their and I am afraid to say the diet hit a low when I indulged in a cream tea.  Oops.  Today I have for you some scrapbook pages that I am just uploading on to Craftsuprint (although having trouble at the moment)

Whew it's hot

Wow, it;s been so hot today, don't feel like doing anything too energetic,so I did some weeding, made some scones, cooked a roast dinner,had to make up for yesterday's balls up, how can you get the date of your husband's birthday wrong. I think I'm forgiven.
Husband to Wife... Darling shall we change positions tonight.
Wife... What a good idea, you stand and do the ironing, and I'll lie on the couch,watch television and fart.

Todays card,ideal for men,cup.no 224371_688

I'm in the dog house. I wished my husband, Happy Birthday, this morning , and he said it's a bit late, it was yesterday. I didn't forget, I just got the date wrong.I wondered why he was a bit off with me all day yesterday.

Anyway here's a pretty card to cheer us all up. cup. no.223917

Designer resources

Evening crafters, with Christmas coming (I can't believe I am saying that) I thought you might like some snowflakes.  These are all metallic and some with a jewel effect.  All png images, 300 dpi and available through http://www.craftsuprint.com/debra-jenkinson/ cup223276_688  Hope you like them

Today's card

I think there must have been a fault on the blog yesterday as it would not let me upload a card. So let's see what happens today. Success. cup. no.223216_688

Free silver Butterfly

Though you might like this butterfly I created, it is a png file so you will need a graphics program to use it.  Have fun crafting

The Dentist

Just looked at my calendar, I have a dentist appointment next week, so I made up this poem.

Sorry I can't come to dinner tonight, I went to the dentist today,
There was plenty of action and many extractions, and all I can do is pray.
That my dentures so new,will allow me to chew,
Won't spit when I talk, or snap at my fork
Won't dribble when I eat, or fall out when I speak.
They do as they please, I dread a cough or a sneeze.
I'm losing my sanity, I'm near on my knees
I swear I've got f...ing  Tauretts disease.
So I won't come to dine, till my teeth toe the line
I'd feel such a pratt, if they ended up in your lap,
Sheila.

A Xmas card

I know its early and summer has just started, but I see many crafters are already into Xmas cards so here one I have just uploaded tonight.  Hope you like it ( cup222620_688).

I was thinking that you might like a christmas verse for you cards, so here's one I used last year.

Christmas is a special time

for getting together, not just on-line

So let's rejoice and celebrate

toast our friends and eat Xmas cake

  

Australia

I feel as though I've just had a tour of Australia, we picked my son and his wife up from the airport this morning. They have been holidaying over there for 5 months, so they have been telling me about all their adventures. Sounded wonderful. I'll have to do some Kangaroo cards.
Joke.
" How dare you break wind in front of my wife" said the host to the dinner guest
"I'm sorry" said the guest,"I didn't know it was her turn.

Here's today's card.no  222588

Squirrels

Does anyone have any ideas to stop the squirrels eating all the birds nuts. Ive tried running out and shouting, barking like a dog, I'm sure the neighbours think i'm nuts. Ive also tried putting grease on the pole it;s funny to see them slide down but they still manage to get to the nuts. They frighten away the birds and spend ages just eating.
My husband just told me this joke.
A wife came back from the doctors and said" The doctor said that I had breasts of a young girl"
Husband.  What did he say about your 60 year old arse.
Wife. Oh he never mentioned you.

Here is my latest card. No.222148

Free D.I.Y. Backing paper.

For the lady who wanted backing paper with D.I.Y. Tools on for male cards etc.

This is free for anyone to use, hope you like it

Free D.I.Y card

This is for the lady who requested something for a man with D.I.Y Tools so this free card is for you to decoupage, and for anyone else who can make use of it.

Saturday

Well I think the rain we have just had has made up for all the rain we didn;t get earlier in the year. It's flooded my courtyard but all the plants in the garden look happier, and now the sun is shining again.

 Here's another of my silly jokes for you.
What's the difference between men and women? Answer. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
This is my latest card with Anemones.it's no. is221255.should be availaible from Craftsuprint later today.Have a lovely day.

Free Thank You card

Here is a free Thank You card, you can download it from here. All it needs is to cut it out and fold it in half. It fits into a normal  size envelope. Its always nice to receive a thankyou for good deed done. Hope you like it.

Designer resources

I thought I would share with you some of our cute animal designs that I have just uploaded on to craftsuprint and shoud be available tomorrow morning.  These are all hand drawn so hope you like them.  Next week I will provide you with aother free backing sheet,  any requests??

Get Well Card

Just been listening to a country and western music show, trouble is I can't keep still, I used to line dance but it seems to have gone off now, it was very popular a few years ago. Really good exercise
Joke,
Farmer Giles had a really good looking wife, he found he couldn't keep his hands off her,- so he fired them.

Todays card is a "GET WELL" no.220328.

Christmas comes early

I can't believe I have designed a Christmas card already, In June, but for people who make a lot of Christmas cards they start early, so here is my latest. It's no. is 219830 and will be available Wed. 15th on  craftsuprint.

Age

I had to go to the hospital today with my husband for knee x-rays, as an old para-trooper his knees need a bit of repair. While I waited I made up this poem for people of a certain age and over, whatever that is.

 Age is just a number you know, Whatever all the records may show
Your tits may have dropped, and your belly popped
But heh what's new, they haven't a clue,
Just get up and show them what you can do.
You're toothless, it's vile, you're frightened to smile
But that's no excuse, to be a recluse
Get up and go, play fast and loose.
Your wrinkles are showing, your legs are bowing
Your feet are flat and your bum is fat.
But your health is good , you don't scoff much pud.
You eat all your fruit and veggies,
Who cares what your told, Of course you're not old
You're just a bit frayed round the edges
Sheila.

Sympathy

Debra and I often seem to be thinking of the same thing at the same time, or one is just about to phone when the other has just phonedToday we have both done a sympathy card., so to avoid getting too morbid with ywo sympathy cards to look at today, here's a little prayer.

Lord if you can't make me skinny, please make all of my friends fat.    card no.219452

A Poem for you

This is a poem that I wrote, which I hope will raise the spirit when someone passes, it is always such a sad time and words are all we have to convey our thoughts and feelings.  I have just uploaded this card this evening so hope you like it

http://www.craftsuprint.com/debra-jenkinson/

Lazy Sunday

That's it I've done absolutely nothing very much today except design another greeting card, this time for a golden wedding,   ahhh   how romantic. Talking of romance I've just watched my most favourite film of all time. GHOST with Patrick Swazey, and Demi Moore, and the hilarious Whoopee Goldberg. It is a love story with a difference, and even though I've seen it so many times, I still cry.

Here's the Golden  Wedding Anniversary card. No. 219024

Sunday might be wet

Well, Sunday was wet but this always gives us the opportunity to craft without feeling guilty that we should be outside making the most of the good weather, or even gardening.  So today I've spent the day (well some of it) drawing with my daughter and two granddaughters which is always fun as they are so creative.  I have just uploaded a fun Xmas design for baby's first Xmas (drawing was done by my daughter Cleo). This is a decoupage card and should be available on http://www.craftsuprint.com/debra-jenkinson by Monday morning